A month in and I'm ready to go back to school.
I can't find a job anywhere and all I do is go to my internship three days a week where I'm not paid anything. I'm essentially whoring myself out for a line on a resume. Judging by the amount of success I'm having finding a job bagging groceries, the chances of me finding a real job in 2 years is slim to none, with or without my line of experience.
I'm feeling particularly downtrodden by the man and by life and theres no chocolate in sight.

I'm old.
Freakin' weird.

Words cannot express how much I don't want to go to Chicago and wear this horrendous old woman suit or how much i never want to drive a car ever again.
I don't want to do anything. I simply don't care enough.

I'm home again. It's nice. I can't believe the year actually went by, but I feel like I say that every year. What's scary this time is that I'm half done and thats absolutely petrifying.
I opened up summer with a bad cold, so I'm currently milking the "I can't get out of bed" card and my moms bringing me food and drink and such. I rather enjoy it. Makes me feel young again.
Speaking of young, I'm almost not. That's even scarier than being halfway through college...

Last weekend in Syracuse for another four months. It's strange because the year seriously flew. It feels like just last week I was sitting in this same position - fan on, sandals, short sleeves, twilight.
I'm kind of sad that I have to spend my last weekend studying. The disadvantage of finishing my finals before finals week even starts is that when everyone else is having their last weekend before they have to study, I'm having my real last weekend. Oh well, ya win some ya lose some.

I will not miss whoever is on the first floor of my building who insists on turning up thier bass so loud that it shakes the building. I don't appreciate that.

I'm a firm believer in giving up. Sometimes I just don't think the stress of trying to make it is worth the outcome. In classes, particularly some of the ones I'm in currently, I just have to throw up my hands and say "you win." Of course, I only believe in giving up after you've given something an earnest shot. If you can't say you tried, then really you don;t have the right to give up because you never got down in the first place. That being said, I should be studying. I've tried very hard (and always have in all of my classes) in all of my classes, but this one/three, I really just done with. I'm wishing for a B in core, my big scary three course hell. To get that B, however, I need to study.
So instead of doing that, Nikki's little meme thing with pretty pictures!
( pretty! )
extra points if you can guess what my answer to the question was!

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/full-list-of-stuff-white-people-like/

touche.

Good weather in Syracuse has an astounding effect on its residents, it really should be studied. Sun and weather above 40 degrees means that the houses start blasting music, lighting up the campus with assorted sounds and tunes and its actually a very beautiful thing. Every time I walk to Whitman, the building I have most of my classes in, I walk through Walnut Park, where most of the frat houses are located. Each walk is a new musical adventure. It means spring is here.
Our basketball team may suck and our chancellor may be a crook and construction crews may be taking over our lives (and our sleep schedules), but at least we've got music.

Its about that time of year again when I have summer on the brain. I can;t stop thinking about bathing suits and air conditioning and the beach and ignoring responsibility. Theres just something about summer air that makes everything feel unstoppable.
Meanwhile, entirely opposite of ignoring responsibility, school is a lot of work. With added stresses of course selection for next semester and rooming for next year and thinking about study abroad, its just nuts. Luckily, my classes are over by April 29th, my last Capstone decision due on May 1st. I could be home on May 2nd. That would be beautiful. That would be absolutely shocking. I could stick around for longer. But summer is just so tempting...
The Hills and Greek come back tomorrow, hooray! Those just scream summer and love.

I'm staring a 10-12 page paper in the face and I somehow cannot bring myself to actually type anything. It's due, but not really due, tomorrow. The final draft is due the 26th, tomorrow is just a conference with my teacher. This is the same teacher (who I do actually like) who turned down 2 or 3 of my original proposals/papers and claimed to have never received my emails about the topics before I wrote the proposals/papers. So the topic I have right now is brand new. While most of the kids in my class have been working with their topics for weeks now, I have had mine for a singular week. She has been very understanding about my situation and whatnot, and I'm sure if I went in there tomorrow with whatever I have, it wont be a problem. Granted whatever I have is actually substantial and isn't just drivel. Walking in with a half page outline will probably be unacceptable. That's all I've got though. I guess I should try to get something started.
Fuck.

I'm getting rather fed up with being told things that contradict.
For example, Teacher says: "Go to the writing center. They will help you immensely!"
I say: "Okay."
So I did. And it was actually helpful, immensely.
Hand in research proposal.
Teacher says: "That topic no good. Fix it."
Writing center gave me topic. Writing center helped me research. Writing center, apparently, did more harm than good.

Damn yooooooouuuuu...

	Friend Bear You are everyone's ideal friend because you are sincere and genuinely kind. Sometimes you worry about your friends' problems so much, you forget about your own responsibilities, which can get you into trouble. For you, it's the little things that really count. You also happen to be the main driver of the Cloud Car. No speeding!
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

cute.

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

I hate when people phrase things in such a way that they are insinuating that I should ask them what they're talking about. I hate when people talk with their mouth full. I hate when people put empty containers back in the cabinet or fridge. I hate it when people assume that I care. I hate when people chew with their mouth open. I hate the sound of people biting their nails. I hate when I give my laptop to the computer people so they can fix it and then they actually make it worse. I hate when people are giddy. I hate when people take serious statements and make them into sexual innuendo. I hate when computers don't actually help me.

This semester is going to be NUTS and I might kill myself, but it might be really fun. The classes are hard, but some of them are kind of interesting and the extracurricular stuff has the potential to be really great. I have an executive position for my SIFE team (yay!) and I can't wait to jump head first into it. Core is scary. It's just plain frightening. I currently don;t have my textbooks for it, so I'm ging to wind up playing catch-up later, but I'm trying my best to ignore that. For now I'm going to eat my ice cream, read the textbook that I can read because I actually do have it, and work on the other crap I can do so I can get ahead in the other classes so I have time to catch-up in the others. Oh. And watch the new supermodel show becuase some of the guys on it are gorge.

I was paging through my old DeadJournal and I have to say I'm sorry for anyone who had to read some of that. One thng I did find, was some survery sort of thing where one lists a sentence about 20 people, but you don't say who they are. I like this idea. I think I shall reprise it.
My Twenty.
1. I think you like the idea of us being friends more than you like our actual friendship.
2. I know you value our friendship, but I really do wish you would value me more, and not just what I can do for you.
3. Ever since meeting you, I always think about how you would react to what I'm doing when you aren't present because I care so much about what you think, so you realy have made me a better person.
4. As much as I trust you and love you, I really do worry that one day you'll get a smack in the face from reality and you may not be able to pick yourself back up from it.
5. I find myself enjoying my time more when you aren't around, so I secretly hope you sort of fall off something, but don't actually get hurt, because then I'd have to hear about it.
6. We really do compliment eachother so perfectly, I couldn't imagine what my life would be without you in it.
7. You really need to find yourself and what you love because currently, you are living to other people's perceptions of you, and you are far too intelligent to fade away into failure because of something like that.
8. I know that I will always find an amazing friend in you, no matter the situation or the time of night, and I really do cherish that.
9. We've both opened up to eachother more in recent times, but I do wish we were closer, so hopefully we can continue on this path to being the best of friends that we can be.
10. You are my absolute favorite person to sit around and talk with because I don't think my conversations with anyone else can get nearly as raw, truthful, and fulfilling as ours, and for that, I feel I can really consider you one of my best friends.
11. I decided a long time ago that I couldn't consider you a close friend anymore, but I had to keep you around just out of habit. Now I don't know if I even want to do that.
12. I get so scared of what you think sometimes and sometimes I just can't live in fear of someone whose supposed to be my friend.
13. We've grown into two very different people, but I find that we're still able to talk and connect and I think that defines us more as sisters than as friends.
14. You are very opposite of everyone else I tend to be friends with, but I really don't mind that at all, as I haven't met anyone who can be as genuine as you are.
15. You are a great listener and a great friend and I think I tend to put signals out that I think differently, but I really do enjoy your company as long as you aren't drunk.
16. You're an all-around good person and I wish we were closer, you're one of those people that when you met them, you want to be friends with them.
17. I think you have put a wall between us and no matter how good of a friend I can be to you, I will never be able to break that wall down, and I've accepted that I won't be as good as you want me to be.
18. I think you're just so fabulous, I hope we can become closer friends in the future.
19. You will always hold a place in my heart, I don't think I will ever meet anyone as brutally honest yet warmhearted as you are.
20. You are quite the specimen of humanity, but I honestly think we will be friends forever because I honestly do think its destined to be that way, and I can't say I'm unhappy with that.

2007 in firsts:
I think I'll just have to take next semester off because I have no clue how I'm getting back...
I love having power.
I really, really want it to start feeling like home here.
My horoscopes and tarots have been dead on recently.
As much as I'm glad I'm finally starting to feel comfortable here and I'm sad that I'm going to be away from here just when I want to not be, I really miss home.
New goal in life: svelte.
I just want my daddy back.
Recently I've been getting inexplicably angry towards people who I'm not necessarily angry at.
Syracuse is good.
I love when I'm so pleasantly surprised by things.
Seriously, I love Bravo programming.
I am a ball of mucus.


I think I'm weird.

I hate feeling like I have no self control, but I also think that that's pretty much the story of my life. Maybe my new year's resolution will be to restrain myself more (in addition to flossing more).

I wish my professors would post my grades already. They've had all my finals for at least a week now, minus one. He's the only one with an excuse, as the final was on Thursday and it was a written exam, so it takes a while to grade. But still. I'm still waiting on 3.
I'm impatient.

This semester has gone ridiculously quickly. I honestly don't know what I've done in the past 3 and a half months. Second semester will probably go slower. I don't really want my semesters to go this quickly. I feel like I'm missing things. I hate that feeling.
There are lots of things that are up in the air about next semester.
-Go to Paris for fall semester of Junior year?
-SIFE competition?
-Head of a committee of my choice for the Macy's Fashion show?
-Try rushing again?
-The new fashmag?

I want to go to Paris, but I'm so petrified. If I went, it would not be through Syracuse. So I've done my research and all the work I need to to figure out how I could go through FIT. But now I'm almost at the end of the road, and I realize that I'm scared of going. I would be in a country where I'm not entirely fluent in the language with no friends. I'm scared of not having any friends, in a foreign country. While I think to myself that I shouldn't let that fear hinder me from missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime, being miserable there isn't exactly a great experience I'm going to want to remember for the rest of my life. I have to finish making a few phone calls, figure out what I want.
SIFE is a pretty cool organization that I definitely want to become more involved in. It's kind of a strange thing, but in short its basically trying to make the world a better place, and then theres a giant competition with SIFEs all around the world to see who helped the world the most and can talk about it the best. I have to try out for the presentation team, but it would be pretty darn cool if I got the chance to go and present. Plus it would let me really get involved with it and I really want to be able to do that.
Retail Association is pretty much a joke of a club, but the new eboard is trying really hard to try to make it legitimate (my first suggestion is to stop signing the end of your emails with little "<3"s). But one of the way they're working on it is by organizing this huge fashion show with Macy's, who have agreed to financially back the show as well as provide the looks necessary for the show. It's a really big deal and I'm supersupersuper excited to get involved with it. The new president of RA is really fabuluos and she told me yesterday that she would like me to head one of the committees, whichever I would like. That's really a pretty sweet deal. As I would really love to eventually work with producing fashion shows, this is like AMAZING OPPORTUNITY PUT ME ON YOUR RESUME. Now I just need to figure out what I would like to be in charge of. That's so cool, being able to say that.
I started with the sorority thing last year, but never finished. It was for the better though. I was in a bad place at the time and was trying to mask it and lying through my teeth the entire time, pretending like I was really happy. Now I'm in a better place and I can re-evaluate and see if thats something I actually want or if it was really just an attempt to try to fill a void that I had last year. I think that its something that I may actually be genuinely interested in, still. I have another month or so to think, but I think I may go for it again. And if I don;t finish again this year, I don't think it will hurt half as much, because I don't feel like I'm losing all that much. It's not a last resort anymore. It's something else to do.
Theres a new fashion magazine that is about to be published on campus. The girls in charge really didn't seem very excited about it. They seemed rather unphased by the fact that other people were really into it. I don;t know how into it I am. I could always push it back. At first I was kind of excited about it, but now I'm kind of ehh whatever. Other things, such as the previously stated things, have come up and the people in charge are passionate about what they're doing. I'd rather join in on the passionate bandwagon than have to feign it. Plus I'm not a magazine major, who they seemed to be targeting. Oh well. No harm done.

All that on top of core AND writing 205. Oh boy...